You Are Hurting Him

I've heard a lot of break- up stories and a lot of them include some version of statements like these:

"People are only in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime."

"Once you let that person go, you get something better."

"If you really love it, let it go and if it comes back, that's how you know it was yours all along."

For someone struggling to leave a not so healthy situation, these sentiments can help them move on. But for some people, these types of reassurances are just not helpful.

Here's why:

Deciding whether or not to leave a situation could be difficult especially when you know how much pain, or at the very least, how much discomfort, it will cause you. To cope with the unpleasant feelings, we sometimes develop reasons that it would be better to stay. We might tell ourselves that we really care about them (which usually, incorrectly, means more than anyone else will) or that we need to be there for them if/while they are going through a tough time. These "reasons", like the previously mentioned statements, begin to serve as excuses to maintain unhealthy behaviors. Both reinforce the idea that your actions, your choice to love someone even at your own expense, is healthy, noble even, and that when a situation goes bad, it will all be ok because, after all, you did everything humanly possible to make it work.

But, have you ever thought about the fact that you staying may be keeping them from having their happy ending? That by "being there" for the person you love and care about so much, by holding on to this person that you should clearly let go of, you are actually doing them harm? Yes, you. The noble lover who loves better than anyone else is not doing anyone any favors by refusing to let go. The reality of the situation is more like this: YOU. ARE. STUNTING. THEIR. GROWTH. By being there, regardless of how they treat you, make you feel or how poor the relationship is, you are stopping their progress. It is easy to get comfortable in a situation, even one that is not ideal. Your lover might try to hold on to you even if you aren't what they want or can't give you what you need. (Isn't that what you are doing?) By doing so, they don't have to be uncomfortable; they don't have to make changes; they don't have to do something different. They don't have to do better. And as painful as it can be to realize, the person that you love so much that is clearly not right for you, can do better. And so can you. It is difficult to let go of someone that you love but if you are struggling with letting go of someone that's not good for you, it may be helpful to think about the fact that you may not be good for them. You may be the person that they are struggling to let go of and every time you answer the phone or agree to hang out with them, they lose a little more of their power to do better. They lose a little more of their spirit and their vision for the life they want. You might convince yourself that holding on is the right thing to do, but truthfully, you are hurting them more than loving them.

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